threaded

my clothes often have memories woven into their fabric
it is not my choice
but i remember certain times that i wore this shirt or skirt or bra
the skirt that im wearing today has the memory of my sixteenth birthday tied to it
a memory both happy and sad
and i feel that when i wear it still

list 1

things i liked about today:

the sun
my outfit
it felt like summer
that i helped my teacher
i laughed a lot
i finished my spanish hw in class
i listened to a lot of justin timberlake
everything is green

things i didn't like about today:

the wind

morosity

i wrote this last time i was sad

the words will hold that sadness

forevermore

each time i read the lines

the sadness of that night touches me

familiar yet unforgiving

like an old drug habit

but i will not give in this time

<3

my heart actually does skip a beat sometimes
i have an irregular heartbeat
and it is scary when it happens
the beat stills for a moment
a moment that i fear
i wonder if i am technically alive
for the skipped beat
because my body is still
isnt that what death is anyway?
eternal stillness

jail time

four hours
i am stuck here
four hours
in this library
four hours
not allowed to touch a single book
fours hours
of injustice

pierre-auguste cot

there are some things in this world that are so beautiful

all i want to do is stare at them forever and just marvel

like this painting:

him

i get feelings of dread when i think of him
which makes me sad
because i want to feel happy
this whole thing is freakin me out
and i don't like it
but maybe im just a coward
and too afraid to let him read the book that is my heart
my pages glued together with fear, anxiety and doubt
and i know his hands are soft and gentle
but this book is very fragile

socialite

i need to talk to people tomorrow. i stayed home sick today and i haven't talked much at all
which is nice for a while
talking to others can be bothersome but ive found it can be good too
i slept a lot today and i feel better
physically yes
and the sadness is not so much too
the balance is almost there again

howl

i will always love howls moving castle
it's one of the few movies i can watch again and again
hayao miyazaki is a legend
i love spirited away too
but theres something about howl
i think of his secret garden when i am sad and i always smile

not

i always want more sleep
i like sleep
a lot
i wish i could sleep forever
but not die

mark me

for a while
i didn't feel so temporary
because as the line left me
i was still here

it's good to feel permanent

just

bite my eyebrow
carefully now
use your teeth to keep me awake
force me to look at you
raise up my eyelid
raise up my spirit
i am wilting
just bite my eyebrow
will you

blue

the word "scuttle" only goes with the ocean floor
i learned this some time ago
you should all know

zzz

there are beautiful things
to be thought and said tomorrow
but i must sleep
to get to them

until then:

shivers

my goosebumps are hurting me
and my right hand is cold
and my thoughts are hurting me
and my heart is cold

basically
it's gonna be a rough day
tomorrow

de lune

this is a good thing
if youre sad and alone
and want to feel more that way

boo

things are very fragile
at midnight
its all very quiet
at least in my house
but i am awake
always awake
and i can feel the fragility
of the air
but i need to brush my teeth
and everyones asleep

:(

hi

i feel a lot of things all at once
and i do not think someone should keep all that inside
so i will share it here